either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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