my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Too much gin, very little bucket
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
