You made me cry and you don't even care
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
