6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
