RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
4 words: hood of his car
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Farmville is her only friend.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
