Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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