she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
