Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
