i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
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She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
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At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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