Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
