Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
