How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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