tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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