I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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