I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
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I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
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This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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