I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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