bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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