I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
