please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
