I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
