I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
