Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
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i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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