update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
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I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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