I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
