remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
