I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
