I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
