What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
