Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
