You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
