90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
They have beer where we have blood.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
