Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
