mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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