my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
