turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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