There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
