Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
