call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Terrible idea I love it
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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