five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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