my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I want her autograph on my taint
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
