...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
