I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
