i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
