I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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