OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
