At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
