Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
