Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
