she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize
