So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
