Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
