My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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