I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
