I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
