Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
