nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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