when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
