apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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