i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
